Physically Returning but Mentally Lingering

I’m returning home after a long stressful time at the workshops. I got little sleep and have been sleeping most of the ride home. Every time I wake up I am thinking about the workshops in some way, shape, or form. I picked up my prints today at the digital service bureau, and have been flipping through all the files on my computer trying to really thoughtfully reorganize the layout for my website. In looking at my prints, I think about my work as a whole. I remember one thing that will probably always stick in my mind that Joyce Tenneson said. She said, for all of you that want to one-day pursue commercial work, then when you approach an ad agency you have to make sure that your book shows consistency. She went on to explain that it is good to show that you have a lot of skills that are desirable, and required in a way, but to make sure that aesthetically your book has to appear like one intelligence, and one intelligence only, created it…

I think the biggest thing my mind is lingering on from the workshops is what now? I have these images, and I’m trying to figure out which are appropriate to add to my portfolio. I’ve been told by an art director at a local ad agency to never show any sign that I can do mediocre work. So I’ve been looking at what turned out well, with what was given to me, and fits both of these clauses. The absolute trouble lies of course in deciphering the common denominator in my work that says that it is me. I look at my fine art work and I am draw to these romantic, timeless pieces, and yet also mixed with modernity and a graphic sensibility. However, when I look at my commercial fashion work often it is much more saturated, much more graphic, with a sense of a powerful femininity.  I think my personal compensation for the vulnerability I feel towards the commercial world comes across in my fashion work. I think I like to portray the strong woman who can deliver, surprise, and be a little frightening at how good she can be. I think I like, secretively, because that is who I want to be…

In terms of absolutely defining myself at this point, and really completing my branding, will not happen for a few months. There is so much I have yet to accomplish and experiment with that truly defining my work as cohesive will take a little longer, but I know I’m on the horizon of a very large change in my life. I have learned so much from this workshop, from Joyce’s experiences, that I don’t think I can ever be the same. You know Joyce said when she matured into her later life she destroyed all the backgrounds from the days when she worked with Polaroid. You can imagine as our class gasped aghast at the remark. She explained that as she matured, became a grandmother, she found that her thoughts, values, and feelings had morphed. She said that she became a different person and she knew it was time to start creating different work, so she destroyed them so that she wouldn’t ever create stuck in a rut like so many artists. Those beautiful hand-painted backgrounds never to be seen again. I think she should have cut them up and made a few into quilts for her grand daughters rooms. 

I wonder what it does feel like to be Joyce Tenneson. I’m not talking about the glorious side of traveling, groupies, five star cuisine, and beautiful things, but what it feels like to be a female artist living, with a family, maturing, succeeding. When I think of how that must feel her recent change in work makes complete sense.  Actually I could not picture doing anything but what she has done. Joyce if you ever by some stray, random, rare chance come across this blog, I think you are the most poetic soul I’ve ever met. I think I understand you through your work then I ever could have understood you by talking to you. Its like the light bulb finally went off. I wonder if you really ever reveal the confines of what you were feeling when you created the work, if you journal, because that is something I would love to one day read. I’m just not sure if for the mast public that would cause you to feel like it had somehow cheapened things. I feel most honored to have met you, I feel like we could have been great friends. I will never be a groupie, but always a humble admirer, filled with respect and awe, gazing from the sidelines. Best of luck in all that you do.

With that I think I’ll go ahead and close this blog. I’m not sure if I’ve added everything I could. I wish that after finishing editing at 3 am I had felt up to doing a video blog, but I just couldn’t.  I wish I could have been more poetic during this week, but I was just so exhausted from the experience being eloquent seemed unachievable. Regardless, what I will say is that Maine Media was one of the best experiences in my life. I don’t think I will know the extent right now, but one day when I know more, perhaps I will add to this blog, explaining just how much this experience has changed my life. Until then, or another workshop, these entries will be proof read, edited, and closed. Thank you for those of you who did follow me on this journey and thank you for those of you will be journeying with me through all my years.

Thank you for everyone’s love and support,

Sincerely,

KelseyLakia

Pictures, White Wine, and Lobster; a farewell gathering...

Today was really the last day photographing. Things went really well today. As Stephen Webster said it will all begin to make sense, and then you'll have to leave. I've learned so much about natural lighting... I was even able to be my own assistant and work by myself with a reflector... I feel a great sense of accomplishment and pride in what I've managed to produce in a short week. I used to be a little timid of natural lighting but now I feel completely confident photographing outside with a few mere reflectors. I am so pleased with the wealth of information I have received from Joyce and her assistants, and from this program in general. I owe a lot to the CCAD Media Faculty for this honor. As I suspected I will forever be indebted to you. Thank you again for all that you have done for me, truly, from the bottom of my heart. I don't think I can even fathom the extent to which I am grateful because I have yet to really dwell in the knowledge that you have been so kind to bestow on me...

The meal tonight was fabulous, and it was accompanied by the many new friends I had grown to respect. We sat together, talked about the future, and gave compliments as a silent way of saying goodbye. The presentation of all the final works created at the workshop was promptly at 8. I was blown away by many of the work shown. I was so impressed by the quality from those doing video work and especially the high school student work. Much of theirs was group work but it was better than any project I've seen from most CCAD students under 3rd year. Its amazing to think that they will be my competition in a few years... I would love to write more tonight but I not only have a few letters of thanks to write here but many pictures to edit and pack. I will say, however, that this experience has shaken my soul. I am rejuvenized in so many ways and excited to keep cultivating my knowledge. Thank you again CCAD, Maine Media Workshops, Joyce (for going beyond the call of duty), and her assistants for doing all the behind the scenes work. My hat is off to all of you.





Here is some work from today...

Things are falling into place...

Wednesday night was Joyce's presentation (this was after my last written entry). I had been waiting to hear her presentation all week as I saw snippets of  her presentation as she reviewed it in the early mornings in the presentation hall, but I had no idea it would turn out quite like it did. It was raining that evening of my 22nd birthday. It started towards the end of dinner as I finished up a rather ordinary bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream for my birthday treat. we left for the presentation hall, and got settled in. Michael from class was kind enough to chauffeur me and drop me at the door, as I complained that once wet I would be shivering in the lecture the entire time. Guys don't know this but us girls aren't so much afraid of getting our hair wet because it will mess it up, we hate that once its wet that we feel cold and damp until it dries an hour later.

Joyce took her place at the podium, and demanded complete attention of the room. She talked a little about her work in a matter of fact tone, about her work being a reflection of her life, and about her atheistic and interpersonal relationship along the journey. She then told us she would be presenting to us a video of old footage of her 30 years ago and more recent footage of her and her most current feat "Wise Women". The early footage I thought was just beautiful, and her video designer did a really good job making the whole piece flow. However, beyond it being a very well organized honest piece, what started as a respectable presentation soon became a performance piece. when the presentation started, the older footage was instantly recognized as vintage due to the format and quality. From where I was sitting I could also see a large scale window, and as the lightening began to flash, it illuminated the room and caused the power to become unsteady. As the sound equipment made pops, and the projector flickered on and off, it started to evolve. It was no longer this high tech presentation of the past but it became as fragile as the memory. The light classical music and scruffy sound, combined with the visual effects, was astonishing. I felt like I was having an out of body experience, and my eyes became glossy and my heart hurt. The honesty and vulnerability and serendipity of the situation really really got to me. I realize that it was a corny interpretation, and these issues may have been technically aweful for a presentation to be heard in that manner, but to me it helped me connect on so many levels. And, being a dying romantic, I was lulled most by the serendipity of the situation... I think it says something when you are left thinking about a body of work long after the images have left your presence...

TODAY:

Today was interesting. We started off the day with a critique of our work from yesterday, followed by a presentation by joyce on her thoughts about breaking into the commercial industry. She shared a lot of great thoughts and pointers. I really enjoyed what the protocol was when working with people in the industry and what makes a good presentation and the extent of the value of marketing.

We went on location today to the library in Camedon. It was beautiful but things started out slow for me. I was really tired from not getting much sleep, and shoots following a wonderful lunch, and warm sunshine don't seem to do well with the sleep deprived. It was also a diffcult location because there weren't a lot of spots in the area to get a successful fill into the shade and it was too bright for pictures in the direct sunlight. It was tricky and an awesome challenged and wish I was a little more awake and enthusiastic to have been able to really maneuver it, but in the end I really got a couple amazing photographs. Take a look... :)

Preview of Photos from Day 3 and Day 4

Special thanks to all the models pictured! If you have any questions or requests please feel free to contact me. Thank you, and enjoy!!

Surviving Maine Media

So I admit I've been a little MIA lately, but you have to take that as a sign of me doing my job. I have realized three things while I've been here. Fist, cookies and coffee will truly get you though just about anything. Secondly, I don't care what anyone says but after two consecutive nights of less than 5 hours of sleep, I will do anything for an extra 7 mins of sleep. Lastly, its that Maine Media workshops nurture your soul, your intellect, and creativity in a way that nothing else can. Not being able to blog-----that's a good sign. That means I'm too busy to be able to spend 45 mins recording my sweet nothings onto the nothingness that we call world wide web. I have been to countless artist lectures, gallery openings, and spent hours in front of the computer editing photos, a soiree at Joyce Tenneson's beach house, and hours upon hours of shooting... All in all, halfway through the week, and I'm still hungry for more.

I will attempt to take you through the last couple days as I'm converting files before dinner. Monday was my first day with joyce actually in her class. Most people brought their digital portfolio to share with the class and Joyce. After the critique we delved into some history. We touched on photographers like Richard Avedon, E.F. Bellocq, Norman Jean Roy, Dan Winters, Frida Kahlo, Francesca Woodman, Arno Minkkinen, and many more. we talked about portraits, what makes them powerful in the sense that they captivate us completely, causing us to feel jealous in reverence of the beauty and the moment they inhabit. Monday evening we first attended a presentation of Helen Levitt's work by Jeff Rosenheim, curator of Photographs at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York. Following the presentation we then attended a wine and cheese tasting at Joyce Tenneson's home. We had the wonderful chance of viewing not only her private living space, but her studio as well. I saw so many beautiful large scale originals of Joyce's work. The print quality was impossibly breathtaking and to see into the way she decorates the space that is her refuge is such a privilege. By the end of that day I was ready for bed, but I stayed up till 3:30 am retouching my photos for the next day...

Tuesday morning we critiqued our first assignment, photographed for 5 hours on location, and went to a gallery opening at the MMW Gallery featuring an infrared show. After visiting the gallery, three more artist lecture's followed. I attended Sam Abel's Lecture, a renowned photographer best known for his work for National Geographic. His lecture really meant a lot to me. He spoke to us about getting the photo's we want from things we can't control. He told us that what gives a picture life is the details. He said, "a second is a long time if you are ready for that second." He elaborated further saying that you have to compose, then wait, and be ready for when that moment comes. It really made sense to me. Being young I am so used to making sure Im moving quick enough on to the next best thing. Here he was telling me to wait for the perfect moment. I think what was interesting to me was this idea of perfection. I'm not talking about mom telling you about perfect, your first employer telling you you are the perfect applicant, I am talking of cover, publish-worthy, timeless perfection. He was saying that you will never know how close you could be to that sort of perfection unless you wait until it is resolved... What a concept...

Today was a great day! Things are going really well for me here. I thought I would be more upset but I am feeling better about the use of a reflector and using available ambient light. I never knew how efficient those tools were. I always considered them as blunt tool and not something I could ever be particularly fond of, but the amount of subtle soft lighting that can be achieved is amazing. The models the workshop provides are all really beautiful, which I think is the only downside of the class so far. I wish we were to have more mature people, maybe some who are less comfortable with themselves. I would like to have the challenge of making them feel beautiful, luxurious, and confident. Getting more intimate with strangers in my photos is coming slow but steady. I excited to look through all my images (30 left to import and convert). I hope that critique is intense tomorrow. I am ready for people to tell me that I did horrible. Tonight are several more lectures, including Joyce's. After seeing her commercial work this morning which had excerpts from the rarely seen unpublished book she is working on, I am very excited to hear her ideas on marketing. I wish I had more time to say things and reflect. Everything is so face paced here, I am slightly overwhelmed...

Day 2...

Actually I'm technically on day three now but I won't hold us to technicalities... Getting to sleep at 2:30 wasn't what I set out to do of course, but seeing as I must get up at 5am in the morning to finish my self portrait, I don't actually think blogging tonight is a really good idea, so au revoir deja demain!

Arrived: Rockport, Maine-The Workshops

As you may have guessed I've finally arrived. It's my first night here. I am sitting at an oak desk with a medium golden finish,  across from my twin. As I look in the mirror at my oddly shaped eyes I can't help but think of our first assignment; the dreaded self portrait. the sole light coming from my computer is creating nasty bags under my eyes, my skin shimmers from the dried sweat that was on my forehead and cheeks, and my hair appears to be an untamed mess, (one severely unruly curl raking across my collar bone). Quite a scary sight, coming from a commercial fashion photographer, one might observe. I've never actually liked looking at myself, I don't actually think most women do, but its odd to sit and contemplate how I want to portray my features and what I want to say about myself. What lighting will I use, what will it say? Will I be styled or should I look like I just came out of a hot car all day? Will it be a portrait of the summary of my life, or the brief clip of who I am becoming? If only I could do a rear movement with a borrowed 4x5 and use the mirror (I think back to Duncan's studio class). Perhaps if I summon the Photo fairy, leave some lens caps under my pillow, and want it bad enough, the answer might come to me in my sleep...

Maine is so beautiful. I've heard it was, people have told me that it is, but I never guessed what a calming, yet determined pace there was about the small cities surrounding Rockport. So far along this trip I've only been able to write about what will happen, the suspense was worse enough to experience, let alone write about. I think that's why I'm so happy to write about my experience tonight. Tonight I got to check in, send my parents off, and get settled in before heading over to the campus for dinner. Dinner was excellent by the way, haddock, tortellinis, beef, potatoes, mixed berry shortcake, oh and plenty of beer and wine. :) I had no idea that I actually wasn't going to go hungry (there are bbq ribs for lunch tomorrow!)... Already I'm meeting some pretty interesting people. There are people from all walks of life here to find something. I'm sure its different for everyone.

I met Joyce tonight. In a short couple sentences we were to explain why we are here. Me, thankful to be near the end, panicked as I thought of why I was here. I tried to remember what was in my essay when I applied for the scholarship, why Joyce, and why Maine. Aborting that train wreck, I instead thought of what I felt I was missing. What made my work incomplete-what made me incomplete? I think the biggest problem in my work is that it lacks a certain sincerity. I think people can see how hard I try, which is a double edge sword in itself, but also that the people I photograph lack a sense of purpose and direction. I think that's what is missing from the majority of my film at least. Working with new models will undoubtably be my life for many years, so learning to work with them so they are comfortable enough to bring in that sincerity is so important for me. I am such a control freak when it comes to my shoots that I need to be able to maintain that balance and cordiality and engaged attention to my models. So I suppose that is goal number one for this week; amp up the sincerity. I have no idea if this goal will be accomplished but I am willing to see how far I can get working until I drop finally on Saturday. At least I have another 16+ hr drive home to look forward to sleeping on :), all is well so far as I'm concerned. Let's get started...

On the Road... An update from PA...

Traveling has always seemed appealing to me. Its fun thinking where your life is about to take you, what you will see, the people you will meet, and the experiences you will have. There is something that definitely speaks to the romantic living in my heart-there’s not much of her left- about the mystery, the beauty, and the promise of serendipity along the way. We’re in Pennsylvania as of right now. My ears are popping from the swift altitude changes, not good as I’m just getting over a sinus cold, and the forests, filled with filtered green light, rise up like stadium seating on each side of our car. Things are different here. I forgot what commerce can do for large citys and what happens in its absence. Regardless the countryside is still lovely.

I had people ask me why I was bringing along my parents on this journey, which is essentially meant to be a solo one. When I received the scholarship I was told the only thing that was not paid was transportation to and from the workshops. When I told my parents they began rattling off the countless fond memories of the sites and experiences they had in Maine when they had been there on their honeymoon 28 years ago, and offered to chauffer me. The thing many people don’t really know about my family is that my parents had a really, incredibly rough spot a year before I transferred to CCAD. Without going into detail of offences, I can say that my family in 2007 looked beyond a state of disrepair. I thought I would lose what little of a dysfunctional, loving family I was so fond of. I understand that many families are threatened by divorce in this modern era, but the emotional pain actually disrupted the ones I loved in such an extreme way that they became only reflections of who they used to be. To lose someone in that capacity is such a horribly thing, and I feel for anyone who has been through these things.

Well things stayed this way for about a year and a half, and somehow things got better. Souls were patched, offenses were forgiven, regrets put to peace, and memories were being cherished again. That’s why they are with me. They’re here because it’s allowing them a time to experience a little snippet of my accomplishments and journey with me while being able to focus on themselves and their journey. I probably won’t see them much except for the extra days we will take to see some scenery on the way to and from, but I think this is one of the best things that could be coupled with a personal journey; the journey of a family… We will be resting this evening at a family friend’s home. They are kind enough to invite us for dinner and some much needed R&R. I guess my parents haven’t seen them in 10 years.

Dedication of this Blog

I would also like to take a moment to dedicate this post to all the future, and past, recipients of the CCAD Maine Photographic Workshop Scholarship, and to the diligent, caring, and talented professionals at CCAD who give their lives daily to mentor their students.

For the CCAD Media faculty, all of you are such a wonderful inspiration. You may have some idea, but you must know how important you are to us as role models as we have grown up from the wide-eyed freshman that we once were. For me, as a transfer student, you were my secret friends that helped me transition into the asylum they have the nerve to call a College :). You have helped me through the enormous process of growth as an artist, making me feel less hopeless when I was frail and at the edge, and knocking me back down when I was a little too comfortable with my work. You extraordinary people walk the fine line between malice and mothering, and have helped culture the minds of so many. I suppose that is why they call you professionals. :) Either way thank you so much for this amazing opportunity, I would not have been able to do this without you. Although I can never repay any of you for the wealth of knowledge I am about to gain, I hope that you know, in some small fraction, the amount of humble pride, and gratitude I feel for this experience. I hope that you will enjoy this blog as a testimony to your greatness as well. Thank you again.

For the future recipients of the CCAD Maine Photographic Workshop Scholarship, I hope you will make it through your next few months post-receiving okay. People will hate you, if they don't already. They will gossip, maybe even your friends. They will break you down, beat you up, to demonstrate to you that you don't deserve it. Guess what you don't, but you got it didn't you? Know that although you can never deserve that kind of kindness, that impartial decision of the faculty, the wealth of a journey you are about to go on, you do deserve to make the most of it, and you are required to continue the ethics that attributed to your selection in the first place. None of us really deserve what we are given, and we sure as hell take our accomplishments to be only the results of ourselves, but remember we are a collective culture. And, even though, you might strive to break the confines of culture in your work, you still owe your work to your environment, as it is still the source of your reference point. My biggest piece of advice to you is to remember your insignificance and to never forget that what you can be.

Thank you all for your support. I look forward to sharing this experience with you over the next 10 days, and the many years to follow.

Genuinely,
Kelsey lakia

Ready, Set... GO!!!

     Today is the day I leave. I have been thinking a lot about what I have been told about this workshop, how to approach it both creatively and philosophically. I keep going over the words of advice that have been bestowed upon me by several of my mentors...

Stephen Webster : approach it with no expectations. He said, the first day everyone will be meeting, and that if by Wednesday you don't feel completely creatively lost, then you did something wrong. Thursday you will want to drag yourself to the ocean and drown yourself. By Friday, he said, you'll need a drink, and by Saturday it will begin to make a little sense right before its time to head back home. He also told me to listen to introductions for I will surely meet some of the most talented people from across the country, as well at least one doctor per class who insists on making statements into questions. Stephen met Anne Cutting at the Workshops, I can't imagine the type of talent I will meet and befriend.

Duncan Snyder told me to have fun and take as much away from it as I could, including the scenery and to take my camera wherever I go. He said that it will be over before I know it, but that this experience will stay with me forever. I will never forget Duncan's cold stare when I dismally picked up my portfolio (Charlotte's nonchalance as she said "good luck"), his huge smile when I came running back, and how he squirmed when I gave him a hug. I won't be the cool kid with a car like Duncan was but at least I'm getting chauffeured there.

Stephanie Matthews told me to be quiet and listen to everyone that was around me and stressed the wealth of information I was soon going to be exposed to. She shrieked with delight when I told her when I was selected, and is constantly asking me if I'm ready, while she barely contains her excitement. I won't have the luxury of staying in Joyce Tenneson's home like you did Stephanie but I'm so excited to finally meet Joyce, and the chance to pick her brain.
 
These things have been swimming around in my head for weeks and months since receiving the scholarship and my acceptance into Joyce Tenneson's "Intimate Portraits" class. I have been growing so much professionally in my career that it feels a little intimidating taking a student role once again, but I'm so excited to get this 16 hour drive over with and study under such a prestigious, enlightened, ingenious artist. So, I am charging up my zune, ready to hit the road, and take the first steps to a week of absolute Hades (I'm sure), and hopefully something that will completely move me. There is something so riveting about the unknown; not so much that is unknown, but that it means anything is possible.